shenghuidai's Blog

his eyes

he knocked on my door..
i opened the door to see
him looking down at his bag..
searching endlessly on his bag 
he can't look at me..
he's hiding something.
he's anxious and ashamed of the things
i know nothing about..
maybe it's because of what happened awhile ago..
those ackward and embarrasing moments
that i don't understand that i think 
i should know..
he's there continuously fiddling his things..
i asked him calmly controlling the shake
from my voice bacause i feel like i was going
to bursts into tears..
suprisingly i felt calm after the long breaths..
what is it? 
he said he was searching for his earphones..
then still looking down he asked me if i
were going somewhere else so he can come with 
me or to talk..
but i cannot hold this feeling anymore to the point 
of talking to him on that moment..
i just smiled at him and calmly declined..
i have nowhere to go today,
you may leave now, smiled..take care.
then he looked up to me with his sad eyes
the face
i can't read his thoughts through his face..
how i wish i could..


mr. revenge

i've fell in love into someone i've hurt before and he's taking his revenge..
i'm here don't know what to do..
and that made me realized he won
but it doesn't matter now..
it's wrong and i knew from the start but i just didn't listen..
and now i'm falling in love all over again and to the wrong person..
it didn't matter now if this pride killing me..
but i can't ignore the echo of my own soul..
it's crying and hurting..
i don't know myself anymore and
i know i'm losing the battle i've began because i don't know what to do..
i don't know anything at all..
always carrying myself in the middle of a crowd with a smile..
they don't have any idea that it hurts like hell..
god bless these people who keeps hurting me to get even..
i'm not perfect..
tomorrow is new day..
i can see the smirk, the smile, the gestures and the stare..
they will see me..
wearing the same face
of a strong person with a smile on my face..
don't worry
there's no need to pity me or be disgusted of me..
it's the way i am..
life teaches a lot of things but i didn't listen..
you may be proud of what you did to me..
all i can say i'm sorry i've hurt you that much
and i'm paying it now..
don't worry i will be ok even you don't ask or care..
but here's the thing
i'm not so proud of the things i did before
but i'm not ashamed of who i am either..
take it leave it

is he mute

i can lie from others
but not with myself..
why do we loved chasing people who keeps hurting us?
why do we have to keep looking and always ended up with the wrong people out of desperation?
am i the only one?
i guess not..
same feeling but different story..
how can someone carry all the burden from their hearts at the side of their smile.. we may sit beside people who smiles a lot but completely broken inside..
why people without knowing you hated even your presence without i doing anything and saying a word..
how it's so easy helping others but not yourself..
how easy to hate than to understand..
how it's easy to say but so hard to do..
how to be foolish because i can't understand it..
how i'm so ashamed on my own innocence and ignorance..
how to stay on your ground when people always keep drawing the line you have to step on..
how that one person whom you trust and like hurt you because you never gave the stroke for their ego and now they're digging the grave for me without realizing they also digging their own grave..
why smiling in front of me and tell things to hurt me..
god maybe listening but is he mute?
i can't hear him..
he never said a word since my childhood..
i guess he doesn't like to talk that much..


i couldn't turn back the time..
i apologized because i've become a fool thinking of what people might think..
so much pride and fear..
but now here i am..
staring at the ceiling thinking how i carelessly let people loose..
and there's no turning back..
all i can see is this sharp light in front of me
where i can see all the beautiful things i wasted..
and they started to divide into pieces until nothing is left..
leaving me here
thinking there's no trail to start again..
i can't see anything because of this foolishness..
people getting tired,
patience already has reached it limit,
it's so hard to see all of them sitting staring at you like they're saying what's wrong while i'm the only one standing alone..
there's no noise you can hear only my footsteps on a cold pavement road..
no i don't want people know what's really going on..
even the loved ones who loved me so much..
i guess this is the lesson all people should learn as an individual..
it is to stand alone..
how can i get my heart out this chest and tell it to stop..
stop hurting because i couldn't bear the pain..
how foolish, how stupid,
i know all of it..
i can't help myself..


deep nights like this..
my mind starting thinking a thousands of thoughts..
i wonder how my mind can handle these things inside...
because my heart can't take it all in..
these bothering problems
that i know will knock me down soon enough before i can think of a solutions..
thousands of thoughts
circling till my head aches
so much and i'm beginning to fear that i won't fall asleep..
it's like i'm waiting for an explosion inside my head and heart..
awhile ago, i asked forgiveness to someone who likes me so much but i let him down because he can't show me how to be valued as a person..
pride.. too much pride..
i can all picture all the sadness and resentments in their eyes because of me..
how many times do i have to say that word..
i'm so disgusted already to that word..
everyday i'm going to work
doing my job and feel like i have to my job
do it very well like everybody's watching me
every minute..
force to smile and laugh..
am i happy?
my needed to learn is much important to me now
than do things and regret it in the end
but am i happy?
i really don't know..
maybe sometimes i have to let myself loose
and stop trying too hard to reach
something i'm not yet intended to have
and become..


i thought
what family i have..
we're like facing our own mirrors..
no peace of mind
even in my sleep,
it's crawling inside my dreams..
we grew up
things got really worst..
blinded by my own thinking..
messed my own life..
then i started to see them,
they were also struggling to find themselves..
when someone bashed us
we defended each other even to our own parents..
their absence taught us to
keep holding each other without talking..
it was like we knew each other's thoughts and feelings..
we grew up with each others comfort..
when someone leaves
we let it
because we're all like trees growing
we need space to breathe , to grow..
but those trees keep growing and learning to
cast the shadows behind to see light and spread wide as it can..
and this time i can see
that we're all grown ups..
we're all the same
tree spreading branches beside each other..
others are deformed by storms that passed but happy and fine..
now i wonder why i let
absurdities of life
kept me see these people
beside me..
lost, tired from crying yet
so strong to smile with each other..
how could i be so blind
all these years..
i have sad and imperfect family yet so tight and happy at the same time..
it made me realized what a wonderful family i have and beautiful life...
i thank god for giving us the light, acceptance and love that other people forget to give..
thank you


god already gave me a thousand times but i always blew it..
there's a thousand people i've met but i guess aside from a few family members no one really stayed beside me..
i thought there's really something wrong with me..
people always laughing at me or maybe i'm just paranoiac..
i'm always the awkward one..
no i dont need people to pity me
maybe i just always trying to please others or taking myself too seriously..
i am here alone in my room self-pitying while i heard them laughing their hearts out with each others company..
i try to joined them once, twice, a couple of hundred times but i ended up hating myself after i tried to keep up with them..
so here i am in my room
listening to music..
i wonder why music brings different feeling and memories..
i hate my father though i can't recall now why i hate him.
i hate my mother for the absence from all these sad years from childhood maybe until i die..
i hate my sisters for giving me heart and headaches.,
i hate my brother for being selfish and not talking that much..
i hate silence from people..
the people whom i talked a lot before
but now they became aloof and mute..
unlike when they're with somebody..
its like "when people stop talking to you, they're talking about you with somebody"
sometimes i loved spitting out what i think but most of the times i don't have the guts..
because i know i will regret it after..
it's like you're in a group laughing bacause someone crack a joke and they think it's too funny until i said something funny they're all got quiet and i watched their faces..
others pretended that it's funny, others just continuing what they're doing supressing their disappoinments, it like "duh what a silly spoiler"
worst of all is the face of understanding.. it's telling me that "it's okay, u'll be ok"
god, what a stupid mouth of mine..
no i don't want to prove something anymore because i always do that..
how i wish i can do and act normal like them..
because they find me so different..
i wonder what it feels like to be other than myself..
maybe i can have a peace of mind..
i know all the things that i need to do and change but sometimes your ownself and the battle inside are the hardest fear i need to face. .


List of simple things that makes me happy

1. Sunlight in the morning
2. Smile from a perfect strangers
3. Listening to music while traveling
4. watching the sunset and waves along the seashore
5. Singing while playing guitar
6. Reading inspirational books
7. My journal
8. the heat of the sun at the beach
9. gentle wind blows against my face
10. the laughter of my family
11. ice cream
12. brighten someone's day
13. eating sweet & sour gummy bears :D
14. my lovely long hair
15. clean smell of fabric conditioner into pillows and sheets
16. Watching the rain 
17. Bonfire with my best buddies

:D i think there's a lot of it but i forgot the others ..
So i'll keep this updated as soon as i remember
to appreciate little things like this,
to remind myself that,
it's simple things in life are the most extra ordinary...


I felt new..
I can't tell if it's a good thing or bad..
I have this feeling that I needed space and to be alone..
I barely communicate with almost everyone connected to me
I don't know what's happening..
I'm just here trying to keep silent,
In a world where everyone seems to demand an answer..


Every weekend i went home after work
while music on my ear
I'm just silently watching
Every thing seems has its own beauty 
and dancing on the same rhythm
Sometimes it makes me sad how i missed
to watch and witness 
how light and darkness touch each other
and become one..
To see and watched the tree at it's fullest bloom and beauty
to realized that it would be gone the next day...
i saw how the forces of nature tore it apart and be lifeless
i felt sad about it..
it's like telling me
"don't be sad i did my part,
that is, to make you feel at peace and happy
for awhile"
Time can really change everything for an instant..
Faster like a blink of an eye and it's all gone..
Yesterday is painful
i thought i couldn't get myself up and heal
but time really does it's magic 
My life changing and i am also keep changing..
Those pain taught me everything
that taught me how to laugh though there's turmoil inside me
to realized those chain on my foot wasn't lock after all
that it's just me who keeps me from growing..
I will never forget how this scars came from
those painful past along with people who never treated us right 
but i have to go on and forgive..
Getting there
i've learned to smile inside..
and realized that pain were all self-inflicted..
It's like i've drunk  a poison to kill me inside slowly but not them...
I have to forgive them and myself
for allowing them to hurt me..
time can really tell
and it's all up to us..

No title :)

I learned that
sometimes there's things are better not to see 
because you already know what you will find out..
Stop hurting yourself..
sometimes there's things are better left unsaid
not all the things in life should be understood..
Just accept...
Live life to the fullest
put a smile on your face everyday
Because you never know who might needed that the most on you..
it's good to see
that every person who walks on your path 
giving you the same smile you gave them..:)
it's an inexpensive gift in life you'll receive from different people..



stop for awhile
and do nothing
or travel to places 
and let your mind wander..
Watch the horizon from afar
and observe the details of almost everything 
that lay your eyes on
Realizing how small you are
but how big you can dream 
and accomplish with your both hands..
Let your soul hush now,
Feel the wind 
let it blow away
the dust from your heart..
face the sunlight
and let the dark shadows from the past
left behind..
After all the effort you been through
you started to give up and look ahead
carry yourself go on with nothing..
Just yourself and imaginary handbag 
of fake courage and hope..
Never look behind 
focus on what's ahead of you now
Life's uncertainties 
sometimes taught us
to loved what we have now
and lived like death is always on the way..


like a fool
asking yourself but
knows the answers to your questions..
You stepped outside 
and set your soul aside
because you assumed it won't 
leave you behind..
You shout for your own soul
and called it a thousand times 
but it's nowhere to be found..
You tried to look back 
and search for it
because you realized 
you couldn't live without it...
Maybe, it's trapped somewhere
or worst,
it's hiding from you


So many days had passed 
i wonder what i have missed..
But life has a lot of disappointments 
and i could never retrieved what was already gone
It's like staring at a closed door waiting to open
that i might probably missed the ones that opened up for me..
Time ticking and every seconds counts..
I could never say that i wouldn't regret it 
Because a part of me saying "i don't regret it"
but i know i will in the end...
How i wish
I can undo what i have done but i can't 
and i thanked god because i am not perfect 
and if i am i will never learned things like this..

"You can run away from everybody but not with yourself"

I tried but i guess i couldn't leave my soul behind..
No matter what people say or do
i cannot fool myself..
No matter how hard you tried to run from all of this 
it won't go away..
I could feel and see it through the eyes of others..
it's like hiding from your shadows..
You have no choice but to face it rather than hide in darkness
and  take the pain for a very long time
Maybe it's worth it after all..
No, it's not giving up but instead it's standing up to face my own fears..
I for sure can encounter a lot of falling down and trials
but i know it's part of life's lesson to be strong and
learned not to make the same mistakes again
I will try my best not to let myself be lost and be confused again
because of unnecessary expectations from others...
It's a waste of so much time..
Life is too short to be sad and miserable..

it's only in my mind

Inspirational qoutes i can relate to...
As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind.


Time is running fast.. I'm wondering what's really going on.. Do i really know what's going on with me? If yes, why do i feel that the more i've learned the less i know.. Maybe, it's true that whenever we're happy we think the person we loved but on those times when we're hurt we only think those people who loved us.. Sad but true most of the time.. It's so much easier to help other people rather than yourself..


Hanging in the air,
I could feel the warm breeze coming from somewhere..
I have doubts but i still call them and let them come 
I open doors from possibilities and face my own fear..
I wanted to learn and explore other things in this life
Because life is too short to let it pass me by..
Though i don't feel anything,
but i don't want to make the same mistakes either..
Take chances and see how far i could go now..
I'm living in the present
No past, no future just now
because i know everything will follows.

i never thought...

I never thought i could go on and face life with bruises in my soul and chains on my foot
and learned to leave all behind without guilt and doubts.
I never thought i could manage to smile in front of people who keeps
provoking me to get mad but instead
i see them in different light and respect them.
I looked at them as a challenge on my path for me to be sharp and learned from them...
I never thought
i could forgive someone who've hurt me in the past 
without forgetting what they have done..
i never thought i could  remain silent and calm with wounds that never stop bleeding inside...
I felt weary because of dust of repeated mistakes in the past
but i'm here standing on my ground without intending to hurt anyone..
I never thought i could transform hate, madness and anger into love.
I searched for love but i failed to find it because before i felt like there's something wrong with me
then i realized i should "love" myself first before i learn to give it to others..
Until i do
and i'm beginning to see love everywhere even in simplest things in life.

I'm willing to love everything that will going to happen in my life from now on...
Because if i don't nobody will.

My mood: pretty good

Moving ahead now..

people come and go
in our lives..
But still we have to go on 
even if it hurts you...
it doesn't matter what now 
who's right or wrong..
What matters is there's a good memories to remember...
I've realized there's people meant to passed us by 
and leave us with pain and hatred but
the good thing is we've learned something from them 
even if it's good or bad..
We still have to move on and forgive..
I don't believe that we can forget our past
all i know is we can forgive and let go..
I never forget all the bad things that people done to me 
but i could forgive and accept..
That's the only way to move ahead in life...

1-20 of 21 Blogs   

Previous Posts
his eyes, posted March 21st, 2014
mr. revenge, posted October 1st, 2013
is he mute, posted September 26th, 2013
trail, posted September 12th, 2013
depressed, posted August 22nd, 2013
family, posted June 14th, 2013
asocial, posted May 30th, 2013
List of simple things that makes me happy, posted January 18th, 2013
solitude, posted September 8th, 2012
Time, posted June 24th, 2012
No title :), posted January 13th, 2012
nothing, posted January 4th, 2012
Gone, posted December 14th, 2011
time, posted December 1st, 2011
"You can run away from everybody but not with yourself", posted November 18th, 2011
it's only in my mind, posted November 16th, 2011
Blank, posted November 8th, 2011, 1 comment
Now, posted October 21st, 2011
i never thought..., posted September 10th, 2011, 2 comments
Moving ahead now.., posted August 27th, 2011, 1 comment
Dear: God,, posted August 14th, 2011

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